From the author: Written as a prompt given by Ruschelle Dillon when she interviewed me for Horror Tree. Read the original interview at https://horrortree.com/the-horror-tree-presents-an-interview-with-angela-y-smith Also published in 43nd issue of The Sirens Call eZine, Women in Horror Month 10 http://www.sirenscallpublications.com/pdfs/SirensCallEZine_February2019.pdf
A vampire, a werewolf and the Loch Ness monster walked into a bar looking for hookers and they were not disappointed. There were hookers available to suit every fetish. Zombie corpse rides, vampire snuff girls, orgasm phantasms (used to be called succubi) and the usual furry contingent leaned against the walls and sprawled across stools all over the place. The Brew & Chew was one of the seedier dives in the underworld, and that was saying a lot.
“See what you’re looking for?” asked Loch Ness. He sighed and shook his head. “Doesn’t matter where we go. I’ll never find anyone for me.”
“Ugh. Just ugh.” The vampire looked sidelong at her friend. “It’s not that we never find anyone. It’s that you’re too damn picky. Don’t look for the perfect one. Take what you can get… as long as it’s not herpes.” She snickered and then noticed a sexy wraith making eyes at her.
“Guys, I think I’ll jump off here,” she said. “Leave the door unlocked but don’t wait up.” She sauntered off to indulge in phantom fishnet and ectoplasm dazzles.
“She’s just self-centered, that’s all there is to it,” said Loch Ness. He turned to the werewolf. “Is it my fault there are never any Nessies? Is it my fault I’m utterly alone?” He noticed the spatula his friend had brought along.
“Why’d you bring that? Are you planning on spanking someone?” Loch Ness let himself smile for a brief second before returning his frown securely to his face. The werewolf shook his head.
“No, I don’t want to spank anyone. That’s not my thing. I’m all about efficiency.” He leaned against a corner of the bar and surveyed the room.
“Efficiency?” asked Loch Ness. “What the hell does that have to do with looking for hookers?”
“This is the way I see it,” said the werewolf. “Vampira is too easy. She’ll jump on board any train that whistles at her. She spends so much time on the trains she never arrives anywhere. You refuse to get on any train at all. You never leave the station, and therefore also never arrive anywhere. But me? I’m an opportunist. I always get where I want to go.”
He spied a tender looking Siren draped across the jukebox. She batted her eyelashes at him and bit her lip seductively. He gave a low growl and smiled.
Loch Ness watched the exchange and sighed. He knew what this meant. He would sit by himself the rest of the night and then wind up getting everyone home and cleaning up the messes. Eternity really sucked.
“Where is it you want to go?” he asked, trying to delay the inevitable desertion. The werewolf was combing his claws through his hair and smoothing whiskers. He tucked the spatula in the back of his pants.
“Dinner and a show, my friend. Learn to play with your food and you’ll be less picky,” He flashed a toothy smile, white canines glowing blue in the black light. “Efficiency.” With that he strode off towards the Siren. Behind him, Loch Ness sighed again and sat on a nearby stool with a huff.
“I’m a freaking vegetarian, you asshole.”
This story originally appeared in The Siren's Call #43 February 2019.