Fantasy Humor Satire poetry potty humor nursery rhyme

The Ballad Of Gushy The Accident Fairy

By Kurt Pankau
Apr 19, 2020 · 514 words · 2 minutes

toilet paper

Photo by Michael Jasmund via Unsplash.

From the author: A silly poem about a fairy who causes people to have potty accidents.

Gather ye children, yes gather around.
Gather ye joyous and merry.
Lend me your ears and I’ll tell you the story
Of Gushy The Accident Fairy.

They say he was born in toilet of gold
Quite apart from the usual Fae.
They christened his head with the water ‘twas there
And then he went swimming away.

And finding himself in a river of that
Which we flush as it does so abhor us,
He felt that mankind was too loose with their waste
So he’d loosen it even more for us.

One bright summer day he emerged from the sewers
And spotted a mother and daughter.
Alone in the park eating burgers and fries
And drinking their crisp soda-water.

The mother said “Darling you really should go;
It’s been a few hours, I’m guessin’.”
And Gushy did see this an opportune time
To teach the young daughter a lesson.

The wee one insisted her bladder was empty
Her voice sounding ever so fickle.
So Gushy sneaked over and reached out his hand
And gave her poor bladder a tickle.

The stream that was started became soon a torrent
A flood of her waters a-falling.
The mother did scream and the daughter did cry
And Gushy, he did find his calling.

He took up a scept of I’d-rather-not-say
A crown of the-less-said-the-better
A robe made of paper, a gleam in his eye
And a mission to make our lives wetter.

He travels all over this magical land
A-visiting those of weak bladders
Be they young or old, and nimble or weak
In cars or in beds or up ladders.

His faithful dog Poopsie-Pie runs at his side
They make an adorable pair.
Leaving puddles and skid marks across this great land
On cushions and in underwear.

They go after parent and child just the same.
They go after mothers and daughters.
And fathers and sons, and any who strive
To hold on too long to their waters.

You’ve probably met him some time in your life.
You’ll probably meet him anew.
Just tell yourself often the bathroom can wait
And Gushy will come visit you.

He’ll wait until after you’ve just passed the sign:
“No facilities next 30 miles.”
Then he’ll lean on your bladder so hard that it hurts.
You start to sweat—Gushy just smiles!

Or maybe you’ll be at a child’s dance recital
Or chatting away on the phone
You’ll tell yourself surely you’ll last five more minutes
Then Gushy will make himself known.

And when your will breaks and you realize you must
Run madly away to the toilet,
But get there too late and you ruin your pants,
You can bet it was Gushy who spoiled it.

Now don’t you go thinking that Gushy is vile,
A bird of the darkest of feathers.
He gives us a message of humility
And delivers it square to our nethers.

And don’t you go thinking that infants are safe
From Gushy all snug in their diapers.
For diapers need changing and any old mother
Remembers a son who turned sniper.

Now maybe someday we’ll no longer need Gushy
That fairy I’ve grown to admire.
But long as we have days and waters to pass
Old Gushy may never retire.

And now that the tale is done, now I must ask
Do any require the loo?
Best go right away, if you need to or not,
So form up an orderly queue.

Kurt Pankau

Mostly sci-fi, often silly, occasionally heart-wrenching.